Everyone is Pregnant!... and other Spring 2012 predictions

Oh.
My.
Christ.
On.
A.
Jumping.
Jesus.
On.
A.
Pogo.
Stick.
Cracker.

I make a lot of jokes.
Sometimes I don't take things too seriously, when I'm told I should.
For this I would like to apologize to the Republican Party, the entire continent of Australia, and people who look "different." (shudder)

But there are no jokes today. No jokes, because this is for real.

I'm Kick James and I am back for a third season with some predictions that I can pretty surely say will definitely happen no matter what. If they do not happen naturally, we will force them to happen after our last playoff game (should have said spoiler alert, we make it to the playoffs everyone, surprise ruined.) while we're drunk enough to make the appropriate poor decisions.

For the sake of our 80 person team, 70 of whom can not play or play full time this season, I will keep my predictions to the definite's of the season.

Former MVP's Division

Timmy: Strong start to the season. Sexistly does sexist things on (and off) the field. A freak lightning storm during week six changes everything. A stray bolt sends a few volts through Timmy, giving him super powers. He runs, jumps, kicks, catches and does all things kickball even better than he ever has before. He's like Harrison Bergeron from the short story Harrison Bergeron, more powerful and attractive than anyone else in the world, but with one tragic flaw... the lightning bold made him allergic to rubber balls. They become his kryptonite and even being in their presence makes him sickly and week. He can no longer play... he is still our best player.

Katie: Inspired by Timmy's lightning bolt story that he told everyone, (but nobody saw even though everyone was at the same game and Timmy doesn't seem to look or act or play kickball any differently, he just starts crying anytime kickballs are around, it's really weird, I think it's more of a ball thing than a kickball thing... what happened Timmy, what did the bad balls do to you?) Katie, with love for her precious chargers, and because everyone else thinks Timmy is suffering from some sort of traumatic disorder, shaves a lightning bolt into each side of her head, but keeps the rest of her hair flowing and long. It looks ridiculous. She punches 18 men while they are running the bases. Our opponents live in fear of the Violent Mohawk as she has come to be called. They worship her like an ancient angry god... it makes her giggle.

The ladies division... bow chicka wow wow

Shelley, Heather, Jenna, and Coops: Though unwilling to shave lightning bolts into their own heads, the other constant ladies, as they don't like to be called, are inspired by Katie's bloodlust. They refer to Katie as Khaleesi and "blood of my blood." Over both fire and ice (Flaming shots followed by being iced), the ladies swear fidelity to Katie and promise to protect her for all of their days... on the kickball field. Off the kickball field they just feel bad that she has ridiculous hair.

They spend another season being more consistently good at kickball than any of the other guys. Three of them end up being game MVP's and one is a season MVP. But who? Dun dun dun!!!! Stay tuned.

Dudes Division

Sandy: For a brief, ill advised time, Timmy was "considerring" playing for a different Monday kickball team. Thanks to mockery, peer pressure, anger, death threats, encouraging words from his friends, he thought better. During that time, Sandy knew he would become the new best player on the team. There was already whisperings of giving Sandy the title, and now it was his. Envy, jealousy, diabetes, leprosy surged through his veins. "This is it," Sandy thought, "I've been in his shadow too long, now I'm on top." Sandy giggled when he thought the words I'm on top.

Then Timmy came to his senses and rage filled Sandy's cold black heart. Looking for a way to exact his revenge and take his rightful place as best dude ever to play kickball on kick james, not in the world because the world is a busy place and soccer keepers are both amazing kickers and have great hands and probably better at kickball... lost myself there, forgot what I was typing... Oh yeah, during week six, after weeks of covert signals, subliminal messages, and k-9 hypnosis, Sandy sends a light shock through Timmy, prior to the game. The aforementioned visions, delusions, and his ball problem come to light. Sandy is on top... he giggles again.

PJ: Determined to overcome the lack of kickball in his background. PJ started hanging out at GVP every night. Wandering from field to field, a lone kickballer offering up his services to anyone who would have him. Armed with only his year old cleats and a twelve pack of Busch Light, PJ ended up playing an average of four games of kickball a week for the entire season. By week 5 his calloused knees, fingers, and lips (they were more dry than calloused, he really just needed to drink more water and use chapstick) resembled that of a ten year kickball veteran. His skill level doubled week by week. His confidence was through the roof. He stopped wearing pants and started saying things like, "You can look, that's why it's out there."

PJ spends the rest of the season in jail.

Jesse: The big surprise of the season, you know, besides mohawks, mental disorders, and public nudity, is Jesse's  wedding fever. It starts as a joke, he finds a veil at a garage sale and wears it during our second game. It's a big hit and everyone thinks is charming, cute, and very funny. The next week he added the dress. The following, he kicked in heals. The following Jesse wasn't there, everyone was concerned. The week after that we were introduced to Jessica, she didn't play because she was still in recovery. The week after that, she was back and still wearing the wedding garb... still kicks home runs.

Brian: Brian's story of this season is long and full of glory, heartbreak, and triumph. He and his ever loyal companion Sinbad (he's a labordoodle) have many misadventures learning about life, love, and the worlds repulsion for a man who saddles and rides a dog that is not nearly big enough to hold him. RIP Sinbad. You will be a good boy.

Brian also does a lot of great things for the kickball team, tons of diving catches. Makes people say, oh, that's just Brian, stay away from his dog. Don't touch the dog, seriously, Brian gets weird.

So that's what we all have to look forward to folks. It's going to be amazing.

Oh, what about me, you ask.

Thomas: Nothing really. Just plays normally and hangs out. He writes a blog about it and every once in a while everyone says, "that blog fuckin sucked Thomas."