How to get things done

Hi Kick James

It's me, Thomas.

Last Thursday we embarked in what could have been the greatest challenge the entire world has ever seen!

It was not.

Instead, those fortunate enough to be present bore witness to a kickball clinic of epic proportions.

I'm Kick James (6-1) 13, Amish Riflemen (5-2) 2

MVP's

Ben, Phil, Laura (was robbed by... hmm, we'll say highway bandits)

Rising from the decreasing shadows of Pearson and Loic (thank's cross fit) Ben emerged once again as our hero. Two kicks, one run, couple RKI's, a double play, and all without abusing any women! If he keeps it up, he might even be asked to come back next season... you know how selective we are and how carefully we choose who represents Kick James.

I think this season we only have three sex offenders!

Phil has been relatively quiet... for the greatest actor of our generation! Until Thursday. Last week Phil's typically consistent play erupted into extremely consistent play. Three kicks. Three runs. Couple plays in the field. Excellent attitude. Gigantic testicles... frighteningly big... gross.

Laura not only had a great kick, but she ended up scoring as well. She played really well and should have been the MVP, but with such a great game it was hard to choose.

Stooooooooorrrrrrriiiiiiieeeeeeees

So as I was saying at the beginning. We played some F'n great kickball. We played it hard. We played it tight. As was stated in our pre game pep talk... we played it sexy.

Our ladies made some great moves. Scoring some runs, consistently getting on base, Amelia getting hit with the ball. Katie's boyfriend Brandon being reminded of the greatness of Kick James.

Pearson and his doppleganger from the other team (you could only tell him apart by his bandana and lack of humor) went back and forth getting each other out and slapping each others tushes. It. Was. Adorable.

Happy Birthday Pearson! May all your wildest dreams come true... on the kickball field and in your kick ball related life.

So here we are... at the precipice of the next stages of evolution. We won our division, beating a team with the same record and less runs against by a significant margin. As we move forward, we are slated, destined even, to repeat history. This Thursday we will once again meet the Amish Riflemen on the field of battle. If we do what we did this week. Hold on to the love, passion and integrity that has made us the men and women we are. Then we have a change. God dammit we could rule this world! I don't believe in the Beatles... I just believe in Kick James.

Two Weeks Ago: By the Dingleberry

Prologue: 

Why hello.

Yes, it has been a while. Yes, you look as lovely as the sun glistening off the morning dew. Yes, I know I look even better and I thank you for acknowledging that in this large group of friends and people currently judging us. It's been a crazy couple of weeks and in all honesty an insanely busy semester. Guest blogger Laura "Dingleberry" submitted her entry to the Chronicles of Kick James in due time, but alas, I could not put it together quickly enough.

So here it is folks, granted, we won another game last night, the division title in fact, but that's a story for a later time. Until then. I offer you this: The story of two weeks ago. A new MVP, rising from the ashes of Pearson... A bunter, born from blunder... chicks man... chicks.

As a guest to this blog, I would like to thank everyone for the opportunity to develop myself and further my career as a guest blogger. I would also like to thank my family for their love and support while always pushing me (literally, not figuratively). I would like to thank my friends who always lend me an ear and constantly encourage me to pursue my dreams. I would also like to thank...

Now on to bigger and better topics: Kickball. I am Kick James and we kick some serious bottom. I give everyone a big pat on the back. Well, no not really... So everyone raise their own hands and pat yourself on the back. And while we are at it go ahead and wrap your arms around yourself and give you a hug. No stop, because you look silly (but it feels better now doesn't it).

Honorable mentions go out to the two MVPs of the week: Ben and Tim (*insert cheers for Tom here).

Pictured: I don't know, but I like it... TC

Ben: Two triples. 4 RKIs. Amazing plays- including hitting a girl in the face. Hats off (in other words  this is where you tip your red hat that you have on right now, because I KNOW you are wearing one right now because you are that excited about kickball. All. The. Time.).

         

Tim: Two pop ball outs in the first inning. We all give you 'Kick James' karma points for catching our foul ball on the sideline while the other team's girl on first called it during the bottom of the forth, saving us from an out (first one to everything, figures). We also give you 'Cooper' karma for catching the ball over her head as the ball would have most definitely smooshed the little one in the outfield.

Editors Note: The MVP was largely due to the fuckling... more on that later, I'm sure.

Now, in honor of some of the events that happened last Thursday (in no specific order):

Editor's Note: Scumbag Steve is one of my favorite Meme's

Scumbag Brian: He may not have had his red cap turned sideways, or his underwear showing above his shorts, but Scumbag Butterfingers Boy Erin "Brian" Brian exhibited a number of qualities last week that are in no way condoned by the Kick James community- so, shame on you Brian, try better next week. 

(*feel free to insert a boo here).

           

Editor's Note: This guy is a perfect combination
of Ben, Loic, and my high school Dean Mr. DeBarbieri

'Good Guy' Loic: As the antithesis of Scumbag Brian, Good Guy Loic emulated himself as a kind, generous and empathetic teammate on and off the field. This was exhibited a number of times, but it would be too time consuming for you, the kind reader, to be bothered with all his good deeds. So mentioning a few: Good Guy Loic would throw the ball back to the other team's pitcher as opposed to watching it simply roll by the plate on it's way back to the catcher. He would run the ball in from the outfield as opposed to causing the agony of another teammate to have to play in the infield. He also successfully got the ref to say “boobie” which we were all secretly anxiously waiting for. (p.s. Nice tag Loic, I thus challenge everyone in the future to get the ref to say “boobie” at least once during every game).

 

Christina and Renee: A big Kick James congratulations goes out to the both of you.

• a). Chris for making your first run and score! W00T.
• b). Renee for getting on base for the first time in Kick James! W00T W00T.

*below is how I secretly feel however:

Editor's Note: Laura might spend too much time on Reddit.

Guy on other team: 'Girl Brian' gets karma points for successfully psyching/striking out guy on other team, who couldn't quite comprehend that fact that you have to actually kick behind the plate. Perhaps he was stunned by your beauty, or perhaps he has a visual deficiency and can't see home plate, or perhaps he was playing opposite day and when we said that he has to kick behind the plate he actually HAD to kick in front of the plate because otherwise he would have ceased to exist. Whatever the reason, 'Girl Brian' wins. #WINNING.

Tom, Captain, Oh my captain: 'fuckling' is a weird word (*insert fingers air-ball-tickling here).

Things. Got. Weird

I'm Kick James (4-1) 8 , Catch This (2-3) 4

Pictured: The first image that pops up when you google search "Catch This"
That's Hilary Swank in all her mannish glory.
She. Is. The. Second. Worst. Behind. Renee. Zellweger.

So let's discuss last Thursday...
was my first inclination, but maybe we should forget it?

Pictured: Future Sweeney...
according to Google

 Discuss, okay, we'll discuss.


Even the MVP selection was a cluster fuck, but pulling it out (for once) was was Mr. Sweeney.


1,000 Thank you's to Mr. Sweeney for the inning of Sweeney where you caught everything that came near you and the ball that was gently kicked directly to me, for the 20 beers your pounded, for your color commentary, your home run, and for the butt tickly you gave Pearson.

Pictured: Past, Present and Future Laura...
According to Google. Score: Laura 1, Sweeney -6

Laura classed up the MVP round up prancing into our hearts with base kicks, RKI's and uncomfortable laughter after Ben makes comments to the ref about racism... Classic Ben.

Icing was relatively  prevalent as both "Brian" and I were successfully iced. "Boy Erin" tried to get out of it again, but the jeering leers conjoled him to concede.

Pictured: "Brian's" eyes were three times as crazy.

"Brian Boy Erin" had quite the day with a lead off home run, the aforementioned icing, an outstanding double play thanks to Erin and Ben, and then going completely off the rails with crazy psycho eyes and absolutely lambasting a young woman as she tried to play a non-violent game of kickball. I was closest to Brian when he made the play. I saw the hate in his eyes. The bloodlust was terrifying. It was an excellent throw and since I'm not willing to bring his wrath (ie. the object of all nightmares) upon myself, I will just say that she had it coming and "Brian" did a great job. Please, please don't hurt me.

Sandy had an interesting day between catching rockets kicked to his face and completely not trying.

Accusations of "Fuckling" were thrown out like glitter and lube at Loic's pride themed birthday parties... great time, every year. Sandy was accused of fuckling, I think someone said I fuckled, Tim "Overthrow Timmy" was accused of fuckling and at some point called a rampant asshole. That was clearly resolved when it was determined that Tim is merely a Haphazard Asshole, and genuinely a nice fella the majority of the time. He did lose a shotgun though, so that must have been one of the asshole moments... or a fluke. He totally made up for it when he hit Brian with the ball avenging the girl from the other team who was still bleeding on the sidelines.

Gabe won his shotgun in excellent form, terrifying the mother of his unborn child with his drunken prowess. 

Pearson and Shelley got sexy all over each other. I mean sexist, it wasn't sexy, he stole the ball right right her and took away her vote.

We're back at it again tomorrow... because I am terrible at getting the blog out in a timely fashion. Next week guest blogger Dingleberry will delight us with her prose and try to steal my job and your hearts!