Is it playoffs yet? Why is Jim naked?

Was the first question of the day... turns out he just had really short shorts on underneath his hip hugging rain coat.

Either way, it gave us all the courage and fortitude to rally together and absolutely destroy Old Enough to Know Better.

I'm Kick James (2-1) 11, Old Enough to Know Better (1-2) 0

Not only the shut out, but three weeks in a row we have utilized the mercy rule... Let's only ever talk about the last two weeks though. I'm Kick James and I had an amazing game.

MVP's

There was totally a bolt of lightning in the air (I lied when I said there wasn't), but it was just trying to match Shelley's performance from the mound. Shut out shut out shut out shut out! We need more chanting.

A shut out, two base kicks including an RKI, and two plays to first. Shelley was spitting hot fire.

Class gets cancelled, Sweeney saunters in like he owns the place, refuses to try because it's not playoffs yet, and then dominates the rest of the game. Laser rocket arm from short, solid base kicks, he brought Heather, which inherently make him better. If he plays this well during the regular season he better be around when we actually make it top layoffs. (I was going to say if, but we'll go with when.)

Special Chugs

Hoffy brought five super cold sweet girly drinks, so Sweeney and Shelley wouldn't be alone in their pain.
Sandy, Brian, Coop, and Katie rounded out the painful chugging.

Sandy, for his philanthropy and short stop cannon, Brian for almost earning MVP for another great game, Coops for stepping on the ball instead of kicking it and then getting an RKI, and Katie for being born and because Shelley didn't want to finish her drink.

Hoffy is going to be painfully missed once he chooses golfing like an old man/Pearson over fun with Kick James.

Timmy was also an MVP contender simply for making fun of the way Katie upper cuts the air while she runs. That and destroying the ball that ended in a triple and chant of "Run back to third. Run Back to third." (We have not been making fun of each other enough and we need way more cruelly intented nicknames.)

Throw a few candles in a grilled cheese sandwich and Katie will be a happy girl though! Even if you order he tator tots that she bitterly hates with every fiber of her being.

Big thanks to PJ (who is getting better and better and I think even more confident week after week) for bringing cookies and getting an RKI.

Last night's game proved a couple things I've always said:

1 - Smitty ruins everything. (Sidenote: Smitty wasn't there so he didn't actually ruin or do anything, but it's safe to say that if he was there he would have done something nefarious)
2 - Everything is better with tator tots. (Except Katie's dinner)
3 - Heather's face is not actually a magnet for balls.
4 - Marshall Street is a fantastic meeting spot after a game.
5 - Never open mouth kiss a horse.
6 - My wife is good at ordering food... that BLT was delicious.
7 - I'm Kick James and I make kickball look good.

P.S. Blogs are hard to write when everyone has a great game. I didn't talk enough about everyone individually. Jim, despite thanks to nudity, I'm sure, had a great game too.

Maybe next week we'll just take down an 18 pack of Sparks or 4Loko as a team... maybe I shouldn't have said maybe... let's just do it.

They say defense wins games

They're idiots because Kick James is the one who wins games!

Defense is a terrible name for a team, by the way.

I really think the rules laid out in the team email helped. Here is your abbreviated reminder:

• Get there early: Check We had ten people for the team lap and stretch. Gets everyone moving and right into the other teams head.
• Drink more: Check We were not conservative with the beers. They went down smooth, often, and aplenty... like things should go down.
• Katie can't drive: Check See MVP line descriptions for explanations
• Stay calm: Check I equate this to having fun. When we get worked up we suck.
• Hug: Check There was finally an adequate amount of hugging... though there could have been way more.

Solid Team effort ladies and gents. A couple times we thought about not scoring or stopping them from scoring, but then we just kept going ahead and doing just that. Scoring and stopping them from scoring and then the game was over.

I'm Kick James (1-1) 12, Toast (0-2) 2

MVP's
Katie confirmed yet another weekly MVP award. How you might ask? Take a guess I'd say. Was it by drinking and kicking ass? You might ask in return. Yes, I would answer.

With three kicks, two RKI's and single handedly closing out an inning, Katie returned to her Kick James royalty status. Interviewing people from her life I learned the following.

"I picked her up and she rode with me." Smitty
" She sat next to me at Marshall Street." Brian
"Give her a couple drinks and she'll do anything." Creepy old neighbor from her childhood.

The inning she closed out wasn't just a normal inning. The kicker popped out right to her. She made it look easy. The second she had to get underneath, but caught the ball with ease. (Timmy was right behind her just in case) The third, a high fly a little over her head and a ways away was called by Timmy, Brian and Katie. They were all in range. They all wanted the glory. It wasn't really that close to Katie. That did not matter. Ripping it out of Brian's cold dead hands Katie dove for the ball, tucked rolled, and ended the inning.

Thomas. I played well.

Honorable Mentions
The game wouldn't have been what it was if Laura hadn't started us off with a bang. Shelley, pumped up as always from the mound, was spitting hot fire. The first pitch went right over the plate and right past Laura watching intently, but not moving at all to stop the ball. She ran after it, which she did very well, before returning to the plate where she tried to drop kick the ball back to Shelley, missed and giggled until she couldn't breath. It was awesome.

Jesse had a banner game as well. His second Kick James home run, first of this season and two doubles will go down in history by being written about in a blog right now! The internet is forever kids, don't ever forget.

Timmy had some amazing kicks and catches. His consistency makes it hard to recognize how truly important he is to the Kick James squad. He is also very skinny, so he hides behind people sometimes.

In general, everyone stepped it up a notch.

Dave vowed to play 60times better than the week before and he hit that mark and then some. He looked like he was going to pass out when he hit third base, but it was still really good.
Smitty have a vicious arm from 3rd.
Brian had another great game.
PJ played the field!
Jim still runs everywhere, and I actually think he's even getting faster.
Sandy and Ashley #1 (Tinkle) were fantastic moral support. Even though he never knew what was going on or how many outs there were, Sandy coached a hell of a third base.
Nate, our ref for both our games so far, likes us a lot and when we had the captains meeting he completely ignored me and only talked to the other captain. The other captain was very confused, thus helping us get in his head. Thanks Nate.

If you weren't there, you might have been missed, and you definitely missed out.

Next week Kick James meets Old Enough to Know Better, the other 1-1 team in our division for the battle of who is more mediocre! I think we all know the answer to that...

I'm Kick James and I'm even better at mediocrity than you are... but not adept at braggadocio.

I hope to never use the word braggadocio again and I apologize for its initial use.

Good day to you.

No Joy in Mudville (Redux)

Just kidding.
No more philosophically clever blogging for me. It's all dick and fart jokes and mocking those I love, give the people what they want, that's what I say.

The message is the same though.

I'm Kick James 4, Friends with Benefits 14
(Mercy Ruled in the 5th)

I didn't like writing it, I know you don't like reading it.

There were some ominous signs from the beginning. First of all, the sun was entirely too shiny and bright. On a different day someone might have called it "beautiful," but on Kickball Monday it was disastrously bright.

Another sour note. There were entirely too many friends there. My initial count had us at 12, but we ended up with a squad of 17. All those people and I think I only got two hugs.

The Captains meeting was entirely too long and there wasn't a properly ridiculous team lap and stretch.

Don't even get me started on how surprisingly dry the field was. I mean, when you expect puddles, can't a man get some puddles?!

To the highlights, lowlights, and tear stained pillows.

MVP's

Brian definitely earned a spot at the MVP table this week. Diving catches. Breaking shoulders. Kicking the ball. Hustle. Flow. Break dancing.

He had it all. Soaring through the air like a dill lightning bolt, Brian had something to prove and he proved it. I don't know what it was, but I assume it was some sort of theorem I wouldn't understand anyways.

PJ made his MVP debut! Two base kicks and volunteering to play the field. In his own words, and with pride, PJ might have been awarded the MVP for Most Improved, which I'm a-okay with. Game one, and he came out swinging.

Fresh off a debaucherous weekend in Vegas, PJ didn't let little things like exhaustion and the constant feeling of wanting to vomit stop him from sharing the cool fuzzy interlocked icing with his co MVP.


Highlights

Timmy was a close runner up for MVP, highlighting our 4 run first inning with his in the park home run (the second in Kick James history, hopefully the first of many for the season) and by playing catch with an oncoming car. Still have no idea how the ball didn't pop, but it was very nice of the car to send it right back to us so we could continue to "enjoy" ourselves.

Despite an upset tummy, Timmy also shotgunned for our challenge, very narrowly losing to the other teams Captain in a remarkably dry shotgun challenge. No spillage, no leftovers, no drooling, few tears.

That was the start of our rough day.

Good old one and done MVP Heather was back, now a full time Kick Jameser. Karma was out to punch Heather down a notch. Apparently she got a little cocky with her diary journal when she wrote about his last MVP performance, but Karma sees everything. It saw fit to literally hit her in the face numerous times with a very full and solid kickball. She didn't even have to move, it went right at her every time. Balls... right to the face. Her face is like a tractor beam for balls. Good ol' ball faced tractor beam... that's what she is right there.

Smitty and Laura made their Kick James debut's with honestly, not nearly enough fanfare. They both quietly snuck in and did their best. The sun stained right field proved to be Smitty's kryptonite as every ball kicked to him was either 10 feet too far or too short. Well except for that one, he caught that one, and that's good enough for me. Good ol' one ball Smitty, that's what he is right there.

I don't know why she didn't expect it, but Laura seemed a little shocked by our ice breakers, team lap, and the prospect of team stretching... she did get really excited after the team starving children joke... that was weird.

Hoffy, who is a liar who says he can't play when in fact he can, made an amazing behind the back accidental catch.

Shelley rocked out on the mound rolling in the deep all the way to someone like you. Writing that sentence made me want to sing loudly and cry.

Even though it was extra innings, Katie had an awesome line drive catch. I think she was showing off for Smitty.

As for the rest of us... we did fine. Sweeney wasn't there, so that is most likely how and why everything got out of control.

That fourth inning, the inning we'll never refer to again, will go down in history as that 20 minute time lapse that nobody remembers. No details, but when I try to think of it, I just feel dirty and empty inside. Good ol' dirty empty insides Chew... that's what I am right there.

Tips for the future:

Stay calm and carry on!
We get super excited, especially when teams just keep running, like these characters did. We love hitting people with the ball, but when we don't hit them we are, as a team, really bad at going to get the ball and not letting them advance numerous bases.

Talk to each other and keep each other warm with your bodies. As soon as we started not doing so great, everyone got quiet and sad. Nobody likes emo kickball teams. Even Chris Carabba has fun playing kickball.

Our undefeatedness made us cocky... hahaha cocky... Now that we've been knocked down a notch, we're destined to rise from the ashes like the mythical phoenix and NEVER LOSE ANOTHER GOD DAMN GAME! F'n Sweeney

I'm still a little sad about the lack of hugs last night, and I think we might benefit from some bear, hunter laser in the near future. With all that being said, I know I missed some good stuff so spread the word and share in the stories that I had my head up my ass for and missed. Don't be scared, Kick James doesn't judge anyone for anything but totally fucking up on the Kickball pitch.