Headlines!!!

I'm Kick James Wins a Battle Against the AARP!!

I'm Kick James 8, Swift Kick In the Grass 1

MVP's - 

Tips, Falls, and Holding Balls! Pearson earns his second MVP honor this season!

It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's a Bald Man in his 30's Sprinting Everywhere!

(But he got a Home Run, so it's okay!)

Overzealous Green Gloved Goon Grapples his Girth into Kick James's Gut!

Chris from the other team earns MVP honors.

 Bid Tits From Around the League 

When Pearson messes up, Brian gently cleans him up and powders his bum.

Thomas looks funny when he catches balls at 3rd base... and when he is receiving gifts. He is not a good gift getter.

Loic's testicles were fondled at first base. No files were charged. He's a better man for it.

Tim overthrew a ball and lost a shotgun challenge terribly thanks to the NFL Replacement Refs. It was a sad day in Tim's life and he'll never be the same. He was also donned "The New Jesse" at one point and sexually harassed "Boy Erin" in the field, the way dudes often sexually harass ladies on our team, thus  emasculating "Brian" and making all the bad stuff totally worth while.Well done Tim, great day overall.

Shelley fields a bunt like Nolan Ryan: bare handed, dip in her lip, huge penis... reportedly.

"Boy Erin" won his challenge... finally.
He was also Iced in historic fashion after cowardly denying being iced close to 1000 times when he was obviously iced, but he said he had a tummy ache and nobody believed him because he is a filthy liar who lies for fun. He's also an excellent kickball player and one of my best friends.

Pictured: Friendship

 In another bout of pussitude conviction Jesse aka "the old Tim" tried again and earned an MVP nod, which he immediately denied because of his bleeding vagina heart.

Sweeney was made fun of for going Zero-For-Life (entirely by me), but it was really mean and ended up being too much. He didn't stay at the bar afterwards because of the shame and pent up anger. You guys should be ashamed (of me) or embrace your callousness and mock him until he lives up to his potential... like a good parent.

Good Cover Loic!

Let's do it again tomorrow.

A Day Late and a Run or Two Short

So typically in this rare instance that Kick James falls to their evil opponents, I will write something that tries to explain and get into the philosophical meaning behind our loss. It will be long, well thought out, incredibly deep thoughtful and borderline brilliant.

Everyone will hate it.

F you guys.

So this time it's going to be different. I'm not going to open my notebook.

Almost a week has gone by and I am going to simply write what I remember. It's going to be awesome:

I'm Kick James (2-1) 5, There's No Beer in Heaven So We Have a Terrible Team Name (1-2) 6

Pictured: Jess trying. Thomas looking svelt. Pearson's butt.
Brian walking away... assumingly in shame.

MVP's



Jesse tried!!! I guess I always assumed Jesse was trying, but he was easily distracted, like a 3rd grader. No, that wasn't the case at all. Before the game started Jesse took two large steps onto the picnic table, placed his hands triumphantly on his hips, Supereman like, and announced in his booming vibrato, " Today... I will try! You know, see how I like it." I hope he liked it, because he did awesome.

Pictured: MVP!

Amelia was our other MVP, dominating in the outfield. Granted sexism played a pretty big part in the day between Sweeney and Phil mocking what the called the lesser or second sex. "I don't care if she caught those other two balls," said Sweeney. "I need to push her to the ground and steal this third one so she can't fully enjoy the glory of her inning. F her everyone, am I right?"

He was not right



Phil also spit directly in Shelley's face as he stole a play right out from under her. It was gross.

There was no dirt... that's just how fast Tim pitches.
Also make fun of how much it looks like Gabe is pooping in the above picture.

Let's see what else I remember...

Huge group at Marshall, let's keep that up.

Tim struck out by fouls, but it was still a strike out so that's hilarious. Make fun of him accordingly.

Pictured: Perfect form all around.

At some point I think Brian got a sweet double play.


Laura showed off her speed prancing.

Pictured: The only victory of the day. Friendship doesn't count.

Gabe narrowly defeated his shotgun opponent, but still needs to work on spillage opening his beer (classic Gabe).

Pictured: Form 2.0

Ben planted a grenade between the legs of a person running to third. Went for the tag, ball ended up between her legs and now they have a baby together. Isn't that  how it works? That's what Jenna and I did.




So how do we heal this wound? We lost a game... not a big deal. Kick James is all about fun and we had some f'n fun. Most fun I've ever had in a loss actually, unless you count the post game after our first trip to playoffs.

I think we're in an odd paradox with Kick James. We have 42 players on our team. It's ridiculous and we're ridiculous... points for fun. We're also very very good at kickball. We don't necessarily try (except for Jesse now) and we still win games... points for competitive. As your captain (read: leader/hero/messiah) I see it as my job to help blend those lines. Not an easy task ladies and gentlemen, not an easy task at all.

I think I've settled on this: we're going to have fun no matter what. We are fun people, great friends, and excellent looking/super sexually appealing to the rest of the world. Our levels of talent, competitiveness and booze intake vary quite broadly so let's focus on supporting each other and having fun like we have been doing. Let's try to win, but we all know we don't need to win. When you're feeling too competitive... shotgun a beer or give someone a hug. When you're feeling not competitive enough, don't just throw your hands up and decide to screw the pooch, look at someone who is super competitive and think of how they feel and how hard it is for them to keep their anger boner hidden. Kick James is all about balance. When all else fails, hug someone.

If that doesn't work, you need therapy.

If that doesn't work, you should start second guessing the system... they don't know me, who do they think they are, get out of my head Dr. Reynolds. You're not my dad!

Good day to you.

Smitty, Good Back Up...

...and other stories... all that and more on this weeks edition of:

Pictured: 1/3 of Kick James... before we put our uniforms on.*

I'm Kick James and I Kick Balls. Volume 4, Episode 2
(Images courtesy of the internet: no Laura was present, so these images represent what it was probably like.)

 This weeks adventure:

I'm Kick James (2-0) 13, Where My Pitches At? (?-1/2/?) 2

(The fellas at Kickball League of Rochester are slacking and really chapping my ass... neither scores nor standings are updated. Maybe they don't realize some of us have a G. goddamn D. blog to write. That's it, I'm writing a letter... Maybe they don't realize some of us have a G. goddamn D. angry letter to write either).

MVP's

Pictured: How Loic's pet and pet's pet became best friends.

Loic brought a lot to the table this week. Not only did he kick his first IKJ homerun, but he also showed up (late) with his pet ferret and it's pet squirrel. He proceeded to play the field and run around like said ferret, failing to catch anything... but our attention. It was a spectacle int he best way possible. Even though the rest of the team was entranced by its new mascots, I think they, and Loic, brought a sense of depth and gravitas to the team. Thank you Loic, thank you for making us better people.

Pictured: Artists rendition of Dave last night. *

Dave "Brian"'s brother really brought his A-beard-game. Deftly fielding numerous laser rocket throws while playing third... I can only remember one, but I assume there were more. Two kicks, two runs, zero errors, infinite sex appeal. Congratulations on starting your new job. If it negatively effects your kickball season I'm sorry to say you have to quit.

Highlights/Lowlights/and it's hair color, not dye. Dye an egg, color your hair.

Well besides the fact that we have 13 runs in the first inning for our two games combined, which is awesome, the first inning was really marked by Shelley galloping over the ball to avoid having to kick a terrible pitch. It was called a swing and a miss strike, but we know better. We know she did it on purpose. Shelley's night was highlighted while playing catcher and putting Sandy in his place when he tried to cover home and steal her thunder... No one. I repeat, NO ONE, steals Shelley's thunder!

Speaking of Sandy, we won't talk about the good things he did, but remember when he dove for that ball and missed. Hilarious.

Pictured: Sandy missing the ball.

PJ has become our most dependable kicker. 4-4 this season and I'm pretty sure he was 8-8 last season.

I'd consider our friend Paul a runner up last night, as well as "Girl Brian" who the other team kept brutally attacking whenever they had a chance. She kept getting back up and kept playing well, which proves we can stop hiding our violent side and fully physically abuse each other. I also considered knocking her on her ass before I stole the ball from her and got that girl trotting to first out, but I refrained... you. are. welcome.

Katie returned to form by kicking a double and being awesome... but then slipped down a notch by not participating in the team shotgun.

Pictured: Jim, 80 seconds before kicking

Jim crawled from the wreckage of his car, his clothing and psyche each in tatters. Left the crash site on foot, raced, three miles without shoes on to make it to the game seconds before it was his turn to kick. He proceeded to get out.

Smitty backed people up well.

And that's it everyone.

Couldn't be happier about how this is looking, where this is going, how it feels on this inside (swell?).

What did I miss? Tell me. Tell me now!

*

Pictured: 1/3 of Kick James... after we put our uniforms on.

Pictured: What Dave actually looked like... but with more facial hair.

Pictured: The dogs that ate Loic's Ferret and Squirrel.
(Thanks for the photo's Katie, the rest will be utilized in blackmail scenarios.)

It's a Lemon Party!

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Welcome back Kick James! You can tell it's the beginning of the season because of that 1 in the win column. As we all know, winning is the only thing that matters. If you're not trying to win, you're not trying to Kick James. Now let me teach you a little lesson about politics...

Just kidding, none of that meant anything besides the welcome back and the lemon party.

After night 1... dun dundoooon!

I'm Kick James 11, Rib Meat 6

Not pictured: Literally no one, look at that team, it's freaking huge.

MVP's

It. Is. So. Cold.

Pearson spent a lot of time thinking about Kick James over the last year. Having been a part of the last Fall Kick James team and helping us lose our first ever playoff game (we lost like we do everything... together... but it was probably mostly his fault. I don't remember, the tears washed it away). Not only did he bring us Loic, Loic's tight shirt, Ben, and Ben's Kick James screen print hat, but he also reinvigorated Kick James in the 5th inning with a three run home run. He almost had a heart attack at the end of it, but it would have been totally worth it.

I, Thomas, was the second MVP. Yes, I had two singles. Yes I had two runs. Yes, I had that one awkward looking jumping catch at 3rd base. It isn't about me people. Unless I do something awesome and truly deserve it, I will not accept any more MVP's. Do I love attention? Yes. Do I deserve the attention I get? Most of the time, yes definitely always. Am I humble? Of course I am, why would you even ask that?

Highlights

(A prologue: In seasons past a point has been made to include something about every player on the team. Well fuck that. We have a gigantic team, so the highlight reel will be just that. Thank you.)

I'd like to start the highlights by recognizing our new Kick Jamesers:

Ben, Loic, Christina and Erin (Girl "Brian"). Excellent first showing everyone. Ben didn't get punched. Loic looked great in his medium. The shirt obviously gave him the power to fly through the outfield with the greatest of ease. Christina has talked about being a part time IKJ member since our conception/inception/interception/eleption, and has finally officially joined us (part time). Erin earned her stripes in her first outting by receiving her nickname that wouldn't have become her nickname if she hadn't said she didn't like it. So much to learn Girl Brian (Note: Having a Girl Brian makes everything so much easier, I could never tell which one "Brian" was).

The day was a hard felt battle. Gabe took our first shotgun challenge of the season, narrowly losing to the fastest shotgunner in the world making Gabe the second fastest and giving us a great chance at domination in the future.

Pictured: The other guy about to cheat... I assume.

Coops stepped up and sprinted a challenge for us with the help of "Brian". Boy "Brian" had a mixed day. He played very well, sprinted even better, looked great in his Cape James costume, but shied away from an icing at the beginning of the day because he's obviously a soulless coward. I mean, it's okay, he's a grown man and he can make his own decisions, but I don't know anyone else who would make up an excuse that doesn't even make sense and directly goes against a rule he himself had established less than a month before, but that doesn't mean he can't do what he wants to do even if we're all very disappointed in him.

If you see Boy "Brian" have him clear things up for you. Can't hurt to ask why he has so little respect for the institution of icing.

Tim threw the ball a hella long distance and way longer than the joker he was talking shit to throughout the game. He was being both bold and self loathing about his bunting habit and Tim was having none of it. Way to stick to your guns "Timmy". When you act like a punch ass horse fondler, be prepared to be treated like one, guy from the other team who can't throw farther than Tim and bunts.

Excellent post game showing at Marshall Street. I left a little early, but I heard there were both dance offs and R&B classic sing offs. If we could start doing that during the innings from the sidelines, I think we would be a better overall team.

I'm Kick James and 1-0 sounds good anyway you say it... except if you put the 0 first, because then it means the exact opposite of what it means now and sounds super shitty.

Pictured: Kickball Art. Thank you Laura, the pictures are fantastic.

(An Epilogue: As always, I know I'm missing plenty. Please share your stories, either in the comments or send them my way and I will add them to the blog. After Laura "Dingleberry" did such a great job wrapping up the Spring with her Ode to Kick James, I would like to see more and more IKJ's submitting to the blog. You have an idea? It's yours. You want to take a week over. It's yours. Believe me, I could use the help and we have such a brilliantly hilarious group of attractive people, input from around the bench can only make this better for everyone.)