An Ode to Kick James

In what ended up being our last game of the season, I was not unable to be present. My tears have yet to dry, but guest bloggest Laura aka dingleberry made me very proud. With that, I present to you.

An Ode to Kick James

By Dingleberry

As the clouds rolled in and the raindrops appeared,

We tightened our laces, while the kick off neared.

Gathering together we formed as one,

All of us knowing what needs to be done.

The red hats fit tight,

As we prepared for what would be a fight.

Settling our nerves, we took to the field,

Not knowing at that point our fates were already sealed.

 

They strolled up with confidence ready to kick,

So we all took our places and got focused quick.

The ref, named Al, cleared the game to begin,

And I looked down the field and gave Shelly a slight grin.

The ball was set loose, and all was afire.

With all of a sudden, ‘TWO OUTS’ cried the umpire.

Emotions were high, but communication trembled.

Two runs were scored, and to the sidelines we reassembled.

 

Brian up first, and the ball sored through the sky.

He slides through to second all hell to defy.

Sandy took to the plate and ran to first base,

As Katy strolled up with a smile on her face.

The pitcher had trouble crossing the plate with her pitch,

So Al gave her advice as to overcome this glitch.

Eventually she sorted it out, and kick james ran across home plate.

Unfortunately discrepancy caused the other team to challenge our fate.

 

The safe on second with two outs was on trial,

And I was called to once again defend my team with style.

Rock, Paper, Scissors was the name of the game.

One, Two, Three- Win.

One, Two, Three- Lose.

I looked into my opponents eyes and the moment came…

One, Two, Three- Lose.

Back in the field Kick James went,

But in no way were we ready to relent.

Shelly on the mound, the bases covered,

The outfield was buzzing while the clouds still hovered.

 

The strikes came one after the other,

The three outs caused the team to cry, ‘oh, mother’.

To kick again Kick James’ confidence rekindled,

While the red/blue swirled shirts swindled and dwindled.

The Loughners were up, and they both rose to new heights.

Raising our hopes, with the game that excites.

All of a sudden I was on deck,

Ready as ever I kicked and I ran, only the scream, ‘oh, heck’’.

 

At this point for me the game became fuzzy for an inning or two,

So henceforth my ode may become a bit askew.

It is now, I feel I shall mention for a bit,

The other team’s demeanor that seemed so misfit.

We came out to have fun, and laugh as a team

So why, shall I ask, the other team be so mean?

They called into questions Al’s calls and made fun of our plays

So I feel it is appropriate to individually haze:

 

Holly:

Golly, miss Holly, you seem to be on Molly- because you must be seeing things.

I ask, Polly must want a cracker, with the noise coming from your mouth.

I would suggest, miss Holly you take a trolly to Bali because only there, will they deal with your folly.

Nick:

Nick, my prick, I would ask you to stick the ball where the sun don’t shine.

You are a captain of bunters: ‘Quick’, ‘Slick’, ‘Trick’ and ‘Thick’.

Although your team inevitably won, Nick- I think you are a dick.

‘Big Red’:

I didn’t catch your name, ‘Red’, but I think you may need to grow a pair,

And learn how to kick, and be nice.  The end.

 

And like that we were in the top of the fourth,

The clouds started to break and there was sun up north.

This time it was our call that a safe should have been out.

So, Tim made the challenge because of his doubt.

A shotgun it was, so they took to the stage,

The beers in two hands and the other team in a rage.

Our team on one knee, while they took the loss,

As they blamed the faulty can, but Tim drank like a boss.

 

Up by two the innings got deeper.

Other teams walked over to see who would be the weeper.

The other team now tied, seven to seven.

(Something just made me think of Evans from Heaven).

And just like that, they were up and it was over.

Not one man on the field leaf was the least bit sober.

We did not however hang our heads with shame,

Together we yelled, ‘WE ARE KICK JAMES’!

 

I know you were hoping this ode would come to an end,

But special mentions are needed, and individuals to commend:

 

Jim, I think we all would agree,

There was a certain disappointment that we couldn’t see above either knee.

You may have been wearing long shorts, which is of course fine.

Next time however I expect nothing less than your short trench hemline.

 

Ashley you get major point for keeping your fiancé in check,

I think at one point he wanted to wrap his hands around Tim’s neck.

Throughout the season your kicks have gotten much better,

As the game continued I felt you were just warming up for the next of the double header.

Katie, as always you bring style and smiles to the game,

But don’t let that fool anyone- she’s here to take f’ing names.

Your multiple outs and getting on base,

Makes it hard for anyone to keep up at your pace.

 

Dave and Brian, I mention you together, valuable to every inning

Because, you two in the line-up made up our end and our beginning.

Scoring, out, and sliding to bases

As far as kickball is concerned you are both going places!

It will be difficult  to not often think of the visual

Of Brian catching, then sliding, then tagging for an out we should make a ritual.

 

Jesse, I feel your focus could change at any moment

Out in the field ready for action at every instant.

Next time, please do not pause and consider.

Take that girl out, when she is in the base line- just hit her.

 

Hoffy and Smitty, both on the verge of MVP status

(I personally thank Hoffy for the ice bag apparatus).

Base runs, and outs, and chats on the sideline

Both of you make Kick James shine.

 

MVPs: How there was four I will never know,

But all four of these player put on quite the show:

 

Shelly with pitches straight down the line,

How is it possible she got strikes almost every time!

Kicking and making it onto base

And you have such a lovely face.

 

Tim, oh’ captain, sub-captain! Our fearful trip is done,

With your guidance and energy we should have most defiantly won.

You won the shotgun but most of all,

You reminded us what it means to have fun playing kickball.

 

PJ, above and beyond all the other players

You on the field was an answer to many of our prayers.

Advancing, scoring, getting on base-

We all agree last night you were an Ace.

 

Sandy, you were our balance, exciting us to compete

Becoming fired up to help us win this feat.

Base hits and runs, but on top of all the good,

You also beat the MVP Mike’s shotgun- way to go, dude.

 

Lastly, I will leave you with this: ‘I should have been a mutha, f’ing bunter’.

Two Sides of the Same Coin

For all intensive purposes, Monday's events were one big rollercoaster of a game.

This is what a kickball team looks like after a rollercoaster.

Yes, maybe if you're one for technicalities, "Wilmer Valderama", you would refer to Monday's I'm Kick Jamesing as a "double header" but if you're not one for technicalities, "Mr. Obama", then you would just bunch everything up together and represent it as the mess it was.

In general, I'm Kick James had a fantastic night. Quick Highlights - Coming from behind to almost win. Winning really intensely. Gender confusion. Waxing. Waning. A Fine Frenzy. Smitty. Non-Alchoballiks compared to Guy, the loose cannon of mass consumption.

By the end of the night:

I'm Kick James  (6-1-1) 21, Alchoballiks of Mass Consumption (doesn't matter) 11

Now let's share in some stories... with the help of photographic technologies.  

WARNING:  There might not be a "defined order" to these stories, but there are pictures so that makes it a lot of fun.

Paper, Laura, Scissors: Dingleberry for the win!

A slow start led to some interesting moments as we started the evening. The other team, fighting to their last breath for a spot in the playoffs (that we still don't know if they actually got, one because we're clinched in first and don't give a shit and two, because it's very confusing) came to play. They wanted the full on win, settled for a tie, but not before barely drinking anything and whining about getting hit in the head with the ball while sliding into second (one of two calls the ref gave us all night long). The very ref who had no idea what a strike was and refused to call them.

An example of the other team barely drinking anything, the picture above shows I'm Kick James taking a knee (except Shelley who apparently doesn't know what a knee is) and drinking for Laura who is rock, paper, scissoring the other team.... haha scissoring the other team.

That win kept Laura on second and most likely led to something amazing. That amazing something could have been one of the thirty times PJ was on base, Tim's 2 RKI triple that would have been a home run if one of their players hadn't been overweight and unable to control his body tripped him on purpose. Maybe that's when Smitty ran so fast he almost lapped Laura.

I don't know, I wasn't paying attention.

Things started to heat up around here. Down by a few runs we came back and tied it up. We then took the lead and made fun of the other team for being douchy a little bit. That led to another inning nobody remembers that will never be mentioned again. Remember, we only played on game and it ultimately ended in a win.

Pictured: Terror giggles

I'm Kick James had a universal tension headache. Overcome with emotion and filled with intense feelings of devotion to each other, there was a lot of yelling for a little bit.  Short fuses were lit. Forgiveness hugs were plentiful. Katie, who may or may not have been drunk, kicked the ball extremely well, but hugged herself in fear on first base because the game was so tense.

It was all very confusing for Shelley.

Things weren't as smooth for Kick James as they usually are. The ball was kicked so hard into the outfield it knocked Jesse on his ass while he was catching it.



Brian dove for a ball 42 feet away from him. Katie brought bread to soak up some of the booze. Jesse and Shelley ate it so it was not effective.



I'm Kick James and in the face of adversity I turn things around by starting over, making my opponent change their shirts and complete personalities, and starting a fielding frenzy... and hugging, there was some hugging. The other team also had shots available, which didn't hurt anyone, except PJ because Tim stole his shot just like he's stolen so many balls from ladies in the outfield.

Pictured: Pitching is hard

Things like the action pictures to the left were common. Sweeney was constantly walking away from people.

Brady, the ref who totally looked like a dude named Brady, started getting a little scared. Besides the fact that he seemed to enjoy giving pointers to the other team and yelling at our team, Brady didn't do well with "fun." Playful banter, Tim pretend fighting an old drunk guy named Guy, women's liberation, the Magna Carta, and shot guns and lady chugs put him as far on edge as he could have gone.


The second half of the game was lively to say the least. The final reports aren't in, but Tim won a shotgun challenge for one of two reasons.

1 - The other dude never opened his can and pretended to do the entire thing.

2 - The other dude actually did a really good job and would have beat Tim if he had just handed the empty beer to the ref.

The world may never care, and good, because it's over and we won.

 The next challenge pitted young Miss Piles against a female rugby player in a chug to the death. Not really, it was just a chug to the end of the cup, which Shelley did not win, but gets crazy points in my book for stepping up to the plate.


Men pitched.

Ladies peed standing up

Awesome pictures like this were taken.

In the end, five worthy, yet unlucky MVP's were Schmirnoffed
 
 
Shelley - For her chugging attempt, awesome pitching and contemplative nature.

Sandy - He did something really well at the end of both games. It might have been fielding. I'm pretty sure he had a home run too.

Laura - For everything we mentioned (mostly the rock paper scissoring) and the ability to spend numerous innings, catching, smoking a cig, drinking a beer and taking pictures all at the same time.

Smitty - For being the most consistent player of the day and for also doing something really good, that I can't remember.

Thomas - I played well.






And with that, Sandy pointed to the parking lot for Sweeney and said, "Sweeney, that's where my car is parked."


I'm Kick James and I will see you in the playoffs you beautiful sons of bitches.

This also happened at some point, which is awesome.

Double the pleasure, Double the fun, Double the... is Jim Naked again?

We were all so wet.

So wet.

Exciting. Suspenseful. Action packed. Vigorous. Moist.

At the end of the night, after releasing a long sigh of relief, I'm Kick James took home the stutter with two w w wins!

There were a lot of highlights, a ton of hilarity, ass cracks full of mud, and a lot of tears (still not enough hugging).

It was too wet to effectively take notes, so here is what I remember, with the help from Timmy and Shelley and maybe I'll make some things up for good measure.

Something I'm not making up is how before the game even started Timmy made an ump move a field he was literally setting up in the middle of our outfield. Sandy and I agreed that Timmy's confident tone and ability to read people well allows him to always sound authoritative and even when he's wrong he sounds like he knew it the whole time, thus making him right. "HEY! UMP! ok I guess I have to go over there...."

Game 1 - The Battle for of Annie's Tears

I'm Kick James - 5 !Great Balls of Fire - 4

By all accounts this game was way way way closer than it should have been. A lot of S was T'd before the game and our heckling of one of their pint sized players might have riled them up a little bit.

By "our" I might mean "my"... I was sorta doing all the heckling.

The field was just that, a field. The grass was out of control and the rain was not helping anything. The ball barely moved. Shelley's pitching arm must be carved out of marble from the work out she had last night just to get the ball to home plate.

It took a while to get used to and in that while the bad guys were up 1-0. Infuriated, I'm Kick James went on a scoring frenzy spree two innings later, making the score 3-1 (it wasn't really a frenzy, it was just a good inning).

My Itchy Balls Feel Like They're On Fire answered back in kind, regaining the lead an inning later. 4-3. We were flustered. Sandy, in his eight layers of spandex including what was most likely Ashley's sports bra, was visibly distressed. I sat him down, take a knee Sandy, I said in my most comforting voice. Not on the ground, my knee, I had to say out loud because apparently kneeling and pulling my shorts up to reveal my thighs isn't a well recognized sign of come sit on my knee.

Now Sandy, I says, I says Sandy, you're all riled up. You're good enough. You're smart enough. Dog gone it, people like you. Take a deep breath and go out there and have some fun.

I think it worked, because I saw him smile one time after that. The mud on his face had vertical streaks under his eyes, but that was probably self made for intimidating the other team.

(This is where it gets a little fuzzy, because I can't remember how everything went down, the last five minutes have been a gchat conversation with Timmy and Shelley and none of us can remember the order of anything except that I flied out, so the following happened, but I don't know when, why, or whatnot. Assume it's all true and accurate)

The last inning brought two outs to Smitty who needed to keep us alive. 
In a secret pact, he and I had decided that I would pop out for the second out right before him so he could have the glory of drilling a double. Our pact was fulfilled and our pee brotherhood remained in tact. An undisclosed number of outs, runner on second. Katie up to kick. She might as well be called automatic, because you get a couple cocktails in her and she just goes right for the bag. Smitty ends up scoring at some point or another! Good job Smitty! Good job Katie!

A well timed challenge brought Timmy face to face with Annie's boyfriend, the man deer from the Fallout Boy video for Sugar We're Going Down. Neither spilled more than three drops during the keying of the beer (I say that because Trevor spilled three drops of his beer). One. Two. Three. Boom. Got it. Timmy finished with barely a drop on him four or five minutes before his opponent. Each drained their beer dry, but Timmy was victorious.

A few other things happened, but they were completely forgotten due to the magical aura that filled the air and brought a calm to the team. Some saw a white light, others saw pink elephants, a few people saw the ghost of Hoffy fluttering around like a guardian angel, others saw Kyle and Theresa shrowded in Jedi robes and glowing a light blue like in the end of Return of the Jedu, but everyone agreed, at the end of it Katie scored as well and we were winning. Thanks Jesus, the Mexican Boy by Iron and Wine, for being a good song.

They had one more chance to regain the lead. They tried really hard, but their challenge was answered by Brian's quick feet and dedication to diving on wet grass!

Kick James with the big W!

MVP's -
Smitty and Katie
Very very honorable mentions to Brian, Shelley, Timmy, and PJ who all got MVP votes and would have been just as worthy. Amazing game!

Game 2 - The Emancipation From Bring Tied for Second With This team Proclamation

I'm Kick James - 5 Balls Across the Toes - 2

The excitement still filled our bones. Energy was reverberating through our wet clothes and ended up in the 30 beers I think Katie drank.

The Vassar Brothers obviously hate Kick James, as they stole two or our best players for game two just because they had "practice" because they had a "gig" and because when you're "talented" you get to do things like play in a "band".

Our svelte squad of eleven was up to the challenge. Two teams, both 4-1 in the same division. Separated by mere runs scored against.  Meeting on a field that turned from wet to pure mud to settle once and for all, who was a better wrestler Andre "I'm Kick James" the Giant or Macho Man "Balls Across the toes" Randy Savage.

Right out of the gates Fezzik from the Princess Bride (Andre the Giant aka I'm Kick James) took a commanding 3-0 lead. The blood was flowing, the tension gone, we were ready to play. Sandy kept trying to take another knee, but the stakes were too high.

I really don't remember much of what happened after that to be honest.

So here are the bits and pieces. A double play happened at one point. That was really cool.

Katie was hammered and giggly and thought everyone was mad at her.

Laura kicked the ball, advanced the runner and then fell directly on her ass. Later, to remove the mud from her ass Laura sat in the grass and scooted her butt across the ground just like a dog does when he or she has an itchy butt. Contest : Who can come up with the best nickname for Laura based on her doglike dirty itchy ass? Winner will be announced next week!

Shelley struck someone out, but that might have been the first game. She threw strikes like it was her job, left and right, all over the place (note, it is her job). One dude wiffed right over the ball and that was hilarious.

Naked Jim ripped his overcoat making him slightly more naked than he was before. Everytime the ref, who was awesome (more about that later) announced the score and said I'm Kick James, Jim yelled out "No, we're Kick James!" and two of the girls from the other team thought it was hilarious all the time. They hated dirt and mud, but they loved them some Kick James and naked Jim.

A bunch more stuff happened. I got really dirty. Ashley had at least one RKI. Smitty did something really well. PJ fraternized with the other team and got firmly in their heads. We took a team picture.

Remember when Laura wiped her butt on the ground like a dog? K-9 reinactment:

In the end we won and made it look like we knew exactly what we were doing... which we totally did, right?

MVP's -
Brian and Jesse
The game was tight overall and the only thing that really stuck out was that these guys left. If they had stayed, who knows what would have happened. Thank you Brian and Jesse. Thank you Vassar Brothers. Without you not there, we might have all been killed by an intergalactic meteor or typhoon or a pack of rabid squirrels.Worst of all we might have lost. Probably not, since you're both really good and typically add a lot to the team, but maybe!

We also got this, so that's awesome. ---------->

Great night of wetness and kickball everyone!

Another double header next week which will decide the playoff race. Come ready! Come sexy! Bring beers. We play better with beers I think.

I'm Kick James and the other team gave me a trophy for being the best damn kickball team to ever beat them within an inch of their lives. Did that happen?


Amendment: Mike was, by far, the best official we've ever had. As Jim mentioned in the comments (which he also encouraged people to comment via his email, thanks Jim) he was so good he got his own high five line. He was very vocal. Very clear about everything. Extremely engaged in the game. Fair on both sides and totally came off like he not only wanted to be there, but was having almost as much fun as we were.

So good in fact that I wrote to the guys at Rockickball and let them know how well he did. If you want to as well, simply go to this link or the rockickball website and click on contact us.

I'm Kick James and I give credit where credit is due.

Which came first...

So last nights game led me to ask a few questions...


Were those guys dicks? Were we taking it too seriously? If I were them, would I hate us? How can Timmy throw the ball so hard? Why am I scared of clowns?


Answers: Yes. No. Who cares, they were dicks. He is a freak. They are terrifying.


Another notch on the old win belt folks.


I'm Kick James (3-1) 4, My Foot, Your Balls (1-3) 1


MVP's and Highlights

Playing what he said was his last game of the season with Kick James due to a stupid golf league for idiots, Hoffy had a great game at first base and, as always, helped spread cheer by making people chug gross things. Too bad for him, being selected as one of the MVP's put him in the chug gross things category.

Editor's Note: 45 minutes after insisting this would be his last game, Hoffy assured me that if we really needed him he would skip golf and come back to play. See you in two weeks buddy.

Brian and PJ must be intimately connected in their kickball bones (haha), because for the second time this season they earned MVP's together.

Brian's base running (scoring two of our four runs), quick thinking (the play at home with the help of Sandy, that got us out of a potentially dreadful them scoring more than us position), sprinting (they refused to shotgun, so Brian just dominated their chump in a footrace despite not having cleats and being 5 years older than his competition), and general demeanor (he's confident and attractive, he intimidates me) shamed the rest of the team into adequate submission.

PJ was absolutely clutch with two base kicks, a two out RKI right when we needed it, and a perfectly timed slide to save us from an inning ending out that eventually got us a run.

A rainy day, celebrating Pucks birth, Dave making excuses, Heather living in a lake, and random other factors had us worried we wouldn't have enough players. Hoffy, Smitty and Laura were all worried they were going to be late. I was worried we wouldn't have enough players.

What if all the late people are really late? What if we get disqualified and they don't even let us hang out and be awesome? The panic was reaching its peak as saliva built up in the back of my mouth. The tears pooled slowly as the knots in my stomach urged me to the ground. From my knees I looked to the heavens, "WHY?!" I questioned the clouds. "All we want to do is play kickball and now we're not sure if we can. Why, you son of a bitch clouds, why?!"

"Tom, you're scaring me, I'm calling Brandon." Katie moved quickly. In a flash, Brandon was playing with us. As soon as Timmy stopped laughing in disgust two friends walked by with their dogs, Sara and Amanda agreed to put up with us for a few minutes and play.

Before you knew it, we had a full roster and the game hadn't even started yet... and then Hoffy showed up... and then Smitty showed up... and then Laura showed up... all well before the game started. We were fine and I cried like a small child for no reason. Silly me.

Other stuff... hmmm... Sandy almost had MVP and would have won the golden glove because of five or six different plays at short stop and his laser cat rocket arm to 1st, but he fumbled a single ball and we collectively decided to focus on that and forget all the good stuff he did.

The other team continued to be stupid bunts.

I didn't follow my own rule of hold the ball, don't throw it around (thanks whomever), but it all worked out as they did not score too much and we did not lose because of me, thus proving that I am above the laws of nature and gravity... maybe not gravity, but definitely nature and kickball.

Good times were had by all really.
Marshall Street has Poutine now, which is pretty great.
Next week is a proposed double header, which would mean two double headers in a row (the 14th is a pre scheduled double header) so start stretching now. We can't afford to lose any of you. For every Kick Jameser who "skims" my ramblings, an old woman loses her wings and a fairy has a heart attack. Thanks a lot skimmers.

I'm Kick James and Week 1 was definitely a fluke.