How to get things done

Hi Kick James

It's me, Thomas.

Last Thursday we embarked in what could have been the greatest challenge the entire world has ever seen!

It was not.

Instead, those fortunate enough to be present bore witness to a kickball clinic of epic proportions.

I'm Kick James (6-1) 13, Amish Riflemen (5-2) 2

MVP's

Ben, Phil, Laura (was robbed by... hmm, we'll say highway bandits)

Rising from the decreasing shadows of Pearson and Loic (thank's cross fit) Ben emerged once again as our hero. Two kicks, one run, couple RKI's, a double play, and all without abusing any women! If he keeps it up, he might even be asked to come back next season... you know how selective we are and how carefully we choose who represents Kick James.

I think this season we only have three sex offenders!

Phil has been relatively quiet... for the greatest actor of our generation! Until Thursday. Last week Phil's typically consistent play erupted into extremely consistent play. Three kicks. Three runs. Couple plays in the field. Excellent attitude. Gigantic testicles... frighteningly big... gross.

Laura not only had a great kick, but she ended up scoring as well. She played really well and should have been the MVP, but with such a great game it was hard to choose.

Stooooooooorrrrrrriiiiiiieeeeeeees

So as I was saying at the beginning. We played some F'n great kickball. We played it hard. We played it tight. As was stated in our pre game pep talk... we played it sexy.

Our ladies made some great moves. Scoring some runs, consistently getting on base, Amelia getting hit with the ball. Katie's boyfriend Brandon being reminded of the greatness of Kick James.

Pearson and his doppleganger from the other team (you could only tell him apart by his bandana and lack of humor) went back and forth getting each other out and slapping each others tushes. It. Was. Adorable.

Happy Birthday Pearson! May all your wildest dreams come true... on the kickball field and in your kick ball related life.

So here we are... at the precipice of the next stages of evolution. We won our division, beating a team with the same record and less runs against by a significant margin. As we move forward, we are slated, destined even, to repeat history. This Thursday we will once again meet the Amish Riflemen on the field of battle. If we do what we did this week. Hold on to the love, passion and integrity that has made us the men and women we are. Then we have a change. God dammit we could rule this world! I don't believe in the Beatles... I just believe in Kick James.

Two Weeks Ago: By the Dingleberry

Prologue: 

Why hello.

Yes, it has been a while. Yes, you look as lovely as the sun glistening off the morning dew. Yes, I know I look even better and I thank you for acknowledging that in this large group of friends and people currently judging us. It's been a crazy couple of weeks and in all honesty an insanely busy semester. Guest blogger Laura "Dingleberry" submitted her entry to the Chronicles of Kick James in due time, but alas, I could not put it together quickly enough.

So here it is folks, granted, we won another game last night, the division title in fact, but that's a story for a later time. Until then. I offer you this: The story of two weeks ago. A new MVP, rising from the ashes of Pearson... A bunter, born from blunder... chicks man... chicks.

As a guest to this blog, I would like to thank everyone for the opportunity to develop myself and further my career as a guest blogger. I would also like to thank my family for their love and support while always pushing me (literally, not figuratively). I would like to thank my friends who always lend me an ear and constantly encourage me to pursue my dreams. I would also like to thank...

Now on to bigger and better topics: Kickball. I am Kick James and we kick some serious bottom. I give everyone a big pat on the back. Well, no not really... So everyone raise their own hands and pat yourself on the back. And while we are at it go ahead and wrap your arms around yourself and give you a hug. No stop, because you look silly (but it feels better now doesn't it).

Honorable mentions go out to the two MVPs of the week: Ben and Tim (*insert cheers for Tom here).

Pictured: I don't know, but I like it... TC

Ben: Two triples. 4 RKIs. Amazing plays- including hitting a girl in the face. Hats off (in other words  this is where you tip your red hat that you have on right now, because I KNOW you are wearing one right now because you are that excited about kickball. All. The. Time.).

         

Tim: Two pop ball outs in the first inning. We all give you 'Kick James' karma points for catching our foul ball on the sideline while the other team's girl on first called it during the bottom of the forth, saving us from an out (first one to everything, figures). We also give you 'Cooper' karma for catching the ball over her head as the ball would have most definitely smooshed the little one in the outfield.

Editors Note: The MVP was largely due to the fuckling... more on that later, I'm sure.

Now, in honor of some of the events that happened last Thursday (in no specific order):

Editor's Note: Scumbag Steve is one of my favorite Meme's

Scumbag Brian: He may not have had his red cap turned sideways, or his underwear showing above his shorts, but Scumbag Butterfingers Boy Erin "Brian" Brian exhibited a number of qualities last week that are in no way condoned by the Kick James community- so, shame on you Brian, try better next week. 

(*feel free to insert a boo here).

           

Editor's Note: This guy is a perfect combination
of Ben, Loic, and my high school Dean Mr. DeBarbieri

'Good Guy' Loic: As the antithesis of Scumbag Brian, Good Guy Loic emulated himself as a kind, generous and empathetic teammate on and off the field. This was exhibited a number of times, but it would be too time consuming for you, the kind reader, to be bothered with all his good deeds. So mentioning a few: Good Guy Loic would throw the ball back to the other team's pitcher as opposed to watching it simply roll by the plate on it's way back to the catcher. He would run the ball in from the outfield as opposed to causing the agony of another teammate to have to play in the infield. He also successfully got the ref to say “boobie” which we were all secretly anxiously waiting for. (p.s. Nice tag Loic, I thus challenge everyone in the future to get the ref to say “boobie” at least once during every game).

 

Christina and Renee: A big Kick James congratulations goes out to the both of you.

• a). Chris for making your first run and score! W00T.
• b). Renee for getting on base for the first time in Kick James! W00T W00T.

*below is how I secretly feel however:

Editor's Note: Laura might spend too much time on Reddit.

Guy on other team: 'Girl Brian' gets karma points for successfully psyching/striking out guy on other team, who couldn't quite comprehend that fact that you have to actually kick behind the plate. Perhaps he was stunned by your beauty, or perhaps he has a visual deficiency and can't see home plate, or perhaps he was playing opposite day and when we said that he has to kick behind the plate he actually HAD to kick in front of the plate because otherwise he would have ceased to exist. Whatever the reason, 'Girl Brian' wins. #WINNING.

Tom, Captain, Oh my captain: 'fuckling' is a weird word (*insert fingers air-ball-tickling here).

Things. Got. Weird

I'm Kick James (4-1) 8 , Catch This (2-3) 4

Pictured: The first image that pops up when you google search "Catch This"
That's Hilary Swank in all her mannish glory.
She. Is. The. Second. Worst. Behind. Renee. Zellweger.

So let's discuss last Thursday...
was my first inclination, but maybe we should forget it?

Pictured: Future Sweeney...
according to Google

 Discuss, okay, we'll discuss.


Even the MVP selection was a cluster fuck, but pulling it out (for once) was was Mr. Sweeney.


1,000 Thank you's to Mr. Sweeney for the inning of Sweeney where you caught everything that came near you and the ball that was gently kicked directly to me, for the 20 beers your pounded, for your color commentary, your home run, and for the butt tickly you gave Pearson.

Pictured: Past, Present and Future Laura...
According to Google. Score: Laura 1, Sweeney -6

Laura classed up the MVP round up prancing into our hearts with base kicks, RKI's and uncomfortable laughter after Ben makes comments to the ref about racism... Classic Ben.

Icing was relatively  prevalent as both "Brian" and I were successfully iced. "Boy Erin" tried to get out of it again, but the jeering leers conjoled him to concede.

Pictured: "Brian's" eyes were three times as crazy.

"Brian Boy Erin" had quite the day with a lead off home run, the aforementioned icing, an outstanding double play thanks to Erin and Ben, and then going completely off the rails with crazy psycho eyes and absolutely lambasting a young woman as she tried to play a non-violent game of kickball. I was closest to Brian when he made the play. I saw the hate in his eyes. The bloodlust was terrifying. It was an excellent throw and since I'm not willing to bring his wrath (ie. the object of all nightmares) upon myself, I will just say that she had it coming and "Brian" did a great job. Please, please don't hurt me.

Sandy had an interesting day between catching rockets kicked to his face and completely not trying.

Accusations of "Fuckling" were thrown out like glitter and lube at Loic's pride themed birthday parties... great time, every year. Sandy was accused of fuckling, I think someone said I fuckled, Tim "Overthrow Timmy" was accused of fuckling and at some point called a rampant asshole. That was clearly resolved when it was determined that Tim is merely a Haphazard Asshole, and genuinely a nice fella the majority of the time. He did lose a shotgun though, so that must have been one of the asshole moments... or a fluke. He totally made up for it when he hit Brian with the ball avenging the girl from the other team who was still bleeding on the sidelines.

Gabe won his shotgun in excellent form, terrifying the mother of his unborn child with his drunken prowess. 

Pearson and Shelley got sexy all over each other. I mean sexist, it wasn't sexy, he stole the ball right right her and took away her vote.

We're back at it again tomorrow... because I am terrible at getting the blog out in a timely fashion. Next week guest blogger Dingleberry will delight us with her prose and try to steal my job and your hearts!

Headlines!!!

I'm Kick James Wins a Battle Against the AARP!!

I'm Kick James 8, Swift Kick In the Grass 1

MVP's - 

Tips, Falls, and Holding Balls! Pearson earns his second MVP honor this season!

It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's a Bald Man in his 30's Sprinting Everywhere!

(But he got a Home Run, so it's okay!)

Overzealous Green Gloved Goon Grapples his Girth into Kick James's Gut!

Chris from the other team earns MVP honors.

 Bid Tits From Around the League 

When Pearson messes up, Brian gently cleans him up and powders his bum.

Thomas looks funny when he catches balls at 3rd base... and when he is receiving gifts. He is not a good gift getter.

Loic's testicles were fondled at first base. No files were charged. He's a better man for it.

Tim overthrew a ball and lost a shotgun challenge terribly thanks to the NFL Replacement Refs. It was a sad day in Tim's life and he'll never be the same. He was also donned "The New Jesse" at one point and sexually harassed "Boy Erin" in the field, the way dudes often sexually harass ladies on our team, thus  emasculating "Brian" and making all the bad stuff totally worth while.Well done Tim, great day overall.

Shelley fields a bunt like Nolan Ryan: bare handed, dip in her lip, huge penis... reportedly.

"Boy Erin" won his challenge... finally.
He was also Iced in historic fashion after cowardly denying being iced close to 1000 times when he was obviously iced, but he said he had a tummy ache and nobody believed him because he is a filthy liar who lies for fun. He's also an excellent kickball player and one of my best friends.

Pictured: Friendship

 In another bout of pussitude conviction Jesse aka "the old Tim" tried again and earned an MVP nod, which he immediately denied because of his bleeding vagina heart.

Sweeney was made fun of for going Zero-For-Life (entirely by me), but it was really mean and ended up being too much. He didn't stay at the bar afterwards because of the shame and pent up anger. You guys should be ashamed (of me) or embrace your callousness and mock him until he lives up to his potential... like a good parent.

Good Cover Loic!

Let's do it again tomorrow.

A Day Late and a Run or Two Short

So typically in this rare instance that Kick James falls to their evil opponents, I will write something that tries to explain and get into the philosophical meaning behind our loss. It will be long, well thought out, incredibly deep thoughtful and borderline brilliant.

Everyone will hate it.

F you guys.

So this time it's going to be different. I'm not going to open my notebook.

Almost a week has gone by and I am going to simply write what I remember. It's going to be awesome:

I'm Kick James (2-1) 5, There's No Beer in Heaven So We Have a Terrible Team Name (1-2) 6

Pictured: Jess trying. Thomas looking svelt. Pearson's butt.
Brian walking away... assumingly in shame.

MVP's



Jesse tried!!! I guess I always assumed Jesse was trying, but he was easily distracted, like a 3rd grader. No, that wasn't the case at all. Before the game started Jesse took two large steps onto the picnic table, placed his hands triumphantly on his hips, Supereman like, and announced in his booming vibrato, " Today... I will try! You know, see how I like it." I hope he liked it, because he did awesome.

Pictured: MVP!

Amelia was our other MVP, dominating in the outfield. Granted sexism played a pretty big part in the day between Sweeney and Phil mocking what the called the lesser or second sex. "I don't care if she caught those other two balls," said Sweeney. "I need to push her to the ground and steal this third one so she can't fully enjoy the glory of her inning. F her everyone, am I right?"

He was not right



Phil also spit directly in Shelley's face as he stole a play right out from under her. It was gross.

There was no dirt... that's just how fast Tim pitches.
Also make fun of how much it looks like Gabe is pooping in the above picture.

Let's see what else I remember...

Huge group at Marshall, let's keep that up.

Tim struck out by fouls, but it was still a strike out so that's hilarious. Make fun of him accordingly.

Pictured: Perfect form all around.

At some point I think Brian got a sweet double play.


Laura showed off her speed prancing.

Pictured: The only victory of the day. Friendship doesn't count.

Gabe narrowly defeated his shotgun opponent, but still needs to work on spillage opening his beer (classic Gabe).

Pictured: Form 2.0

Ben planted a grenade between the legs of a person running to third. Went for the tag, ball ended up between her legs and now they have a baby together. Isn't that  how it works? That's what Jenna and I did.




So how do we heal this wound? We lost a game... not a big deal. Kick James is all about fun and we had some f'n fun. Most fun I've ever had in a loss actually, unless you count the post game after our first trip to playoffs.

I think we're in an odd paradox with Kick James. We have 42 players on our team. It's ridiculous and we're ridiculous... points for fun. We're also very very good at kickball. We don't necessarily try (except for Jesse now) and we still win games... points for competitive. As your captain (read: leader/hero/messiah) I see it as my job to help blend those lines. Not an easy task ladies and gentlemen, not an easy task at all.

I think I've settled on this: we're going to have fun no matter what. We are fun people, great friends, and excellent looking/super sexually appealing to the rest of the world. Our levels of talent, competitiveness and booze intake vary quite broadly so let's focus on supporting each other and having fun like we have been doing. Let's try to win, but we all know we don't need to win. When you're feeling too competitive... shotgun a beer or give someone a hug. When you're feeling not competitive enough, don't just throw your hands up and decide to screw the pooch, look at someone who is super competitive and think of how they feel and how hard it is for them to keep their anger boner hidden. Kick James is all about balance. When all else fails, hug someone.

If that doesn't work, you need therapy.

If that doesn't work, you should start second guessing the system... they don't know me, who do they think they are, get out of my head Dr. Reynolds. You're not my dad!

Good day to you.

Smitty, Good Back Up...

...and other stories... all that and more on this weeks edition of:

Pictured: 1/3 of Kick James... before we put our uniforms on.*

I'm Kick James and I Kick Balls. Volume 4, Episode 2
(Images courtesy of the internet: no Laura was present, so these images represent what it was probably like.)

 This weeks adventure:

I'm Kick James (2-0) 13, Where My Pitches At? (?-1/2/?) 2

(The fellas at Kickball League of Rochester are slacking and really chapping my ass... neither scores nor standings are updated. Maybe they don't realize some of us have a G. goddamn D. blog to write. That's it, I'm writing a letter... Maybe they don't realize some of us have a G. goddamn D. angry letter to write either).

MVP's

Pictured: How Loic's pet and pet's pet became best friends.

Loic brought a lot to the table this week. Not only did he kick his first IKJ homerun, but he also showed up (late) with his pet ferret and it's pet squirrel. He proceeded to play the field and run around like said ferret, failing to catch anything... but our attention. It was a spectacle int he best way possible. Even though the rest of the team was entranced by its new mascots, I think they, and Loic, brought a sense of depth and gravitas to the team. Thank you Loic, thank you for making us better people.

Pictured: Artists rendition of Dave last night. *

Dave "Brian"'s brother really brought his A-beard-game. Deftly fielding numerous laser rocket throws while playing third... I can only remember one, but I assume there were more. Two kicks, two runs, zero errors, infinite sex appeal. Congratulations on starting your new job. If it negatively effects your kickball season I'm sorry to say you have to quit.

Highlights/Lowlights/and it's hair color, not dye. Dye an egg, color your hair.

Well besides the fact that we have 13 runs in the first inning for our two games combined, which is awesome, the first inning was really marked by Shelley galloping over the ball to avoid having to kick a terrible pitch. It was called a swing and a miss strike, but we know better. We know she did it on purpose. Shelley's night was highlighted while playing catcher and putting Sandy in his place when he tried to cover home and steal her thunder... No one. I repeat, NO ONE, steals Shelley's thunder!

Speaking of Sandy, we won't talk about the good things he did, but remember when he dove for that ball and missed. Hilarious.

Pictured: Sandy missing the ball.

PJ has become our most dependable kicker. 4-4 this season and I'm pretty sure he was 8-8 last season.

I'd consider our friend Paul a runner up last night, as well as "Girl Brian" who the other team kept brutally attacking whenever they had a chance. She kept getting back up and kept playing well, which proves we can stop hiding our violent side and fully physically abuse each other. I also considered knocking her on her ass before I stole the ball from her and got that girl trotting to first out, but I refrained... you. are. welcome.

Katie returned to form by kicking a double and being awesome... but then slipped down a notch by not participating in the team shotgun.

Pictured: Jim, 80 seconds before kicking

Jim crawled from the wreckage of his car, his clothing and psyche each in tatters. Left the crash site on foot, raced, three miles without shoes on to make it to the game seconds before it was his turn to kick. He proceeded to get out.

Smitty backed people up well.

And that's it everyone.

Couldn't be happier about how this is looking, where this is going, how it feels on this inside (swell?).

What did I miss? Tell me. Tell me now!

*

Pictured: 1/3 of Kick James... after we put our uniforms on.

Pictured: What Dave actually looked like... but with more facial hair.

Pictured: The dogs that ate Loic's Ferret and Squirrel.
(Thanks for the photo's Katie, the rest will be utilized in blackmail scenarios.)

It's a Lemon Party!

.org

Welcome back Kick James! You can tell it's the beginning of the season because of that 1 in the win column. As we all know, winning is the only thing that matters. If you're not trying to win, you're not trying to Kick James. Now let me teach you a little lesson about politics...

Just kidding, none of that meant anything besides the welcome back and the lemon party.

After night 1... dun dundoooon!

I'm Kick James 11, Rib Meat 6

Not pictured: Literally no one, look at that team, it's freaking huge.

MVP's

It. Is. So. Cold.

Pearson spent a lot of time thinking about Kick James over the last year. Having been a part of the last Fall Kick James team and helping us lose our first ever playoff game (we lost like we do everything... together... but it was probably mostly his fault. I don't remember, the tears washed it away). Not only did he bring us Loic, Loic's tight shirt, Ben, and Ben's Kick James screen print hat, but he also reinvigorated Kick James in the 5th inning with a three run home run. He almost had a heart attack at the end of it, but it would have been totally worth it.

I, Thomas, was the second MVP. Yes, I had two singles. Yes I had two runs. Yes, I had that one awkward looking jumping catch at 3rd base. It isn't about me people. Unless I do something awesome and truly deserve it, I will not accept any more MVP's. Do I love attention? Yes. Do I deserve the attention I get? Most of the time, yes definitely always. Am I humble? Of course I am, why would you even ask that?

Highlights

(A prologue: In seasons past a point has been made to include something about every player on the team. Well fuck that. We have a gigantic team, so the highlight reel will be just that. Thank you.)

I'd like to start the highlights by recognizing our new Kick Jamesers:

Ben, Loic, Christina and Erin (Girl "Brian"). Excellent first showing everyone. Ben didn't get punched. Loic looked great in his medium. The shirt obviously gave him the power to fly through the outfield with the greatest of ease. Christina has talked about being a part time IKJ member since our conception/inception/interception/eleption, and has finally officially joined us (part time). Erin earned her stripes in her first outting by receiving her nickname that wouldn't have become her nickname if she hadn't said she didn't like it. So much to learn Girl Brian (Note: Having a Girl Brian makes everything so much easier, I could never tell which one "Brian" was).

The day was a hard felt battle. Gabe took our first shotgun challenge of the season, narrowly losing to the fastest shotgunner in the world making Gabe the second fastest and giving us a great chance at domination in the future.

Pictured: The other guy about to cheat... I assume.

Coops stepped up and sprinted a challenge for us with the help of "Brian". Boy "Brian" had a mixed day. He played very well, sprinted even better, looked great in his Cape James costume, but shied away from an icing at the beginning of the day because he's obviously a soulless coward. I mean, it's okay, he's a grown man and he can make his own decisions, but I don't know anyone else who would make up an excuse that doesn't even make sense and directly goes against a rule he himself had established less than a month before, but that doesn't mean he can't do what he wants to do even if we're all very disappointed in him.

If you see Boy "Brian" have him clear things up for you. Can't hurt to ask why he has so little respect for the institution of icing.

Tim threw the ball a hella long distance and way longer than the joker he was talking shit to throughout the game. He was being both bold and self loathing about his bunting habit and Tim was having none of it. Way to stick to your guns "Timmy". When you act like a punch ass horse fondler, be prepared to be treated like one, guy from the other team who can't throw farther than Tim and bunts.

Excellent post game showing at Marshall Street. I left a little early, but I heard there were both dance offs and R&B classic sing offs. If we could start doing that during the innings from the sidelines, I think we would be a better overall team.

I'm Kick James and 1-0 sounds good anyway you say it... except if you put the 0 first, because then it means the exact opposite of what it means now and sounds super shitty.

Pictured: Kickball Art. Thank you Laura, the pictures are fantastic.

(An Epilogue: As always, I know I'm missing plenty. Please share your stories, either in the comments or send them my way and I will add them to the blog. After Laura "Dingleberry" did such a great job wrapping up the Spring with her Ode to Kick James, I would like to see more and more IKJ's submitting to the blog. You have an idea? It's yours. You want to take a week over. It's yours. Believe me, I could use the help and we have such a brilliantly hilarious group of attractive people, input from around the bench can only make this better for everyone.)

An Ode to Kick James

In what ended up being our last game of the season, I was not unable to be present. My tears have yet to dry, but guest bloggest Laura aka dingleberry made me very proud. With that, I present to you.

An Ode to Kick James

By Dingleberry

As the clouds rolled in and the raindrops appeared,

We tightened our laces, while the kick off neared.

Gathering together we formed as one,

All of us knowing what needs to be done.

The red hats fit tight,

As we prepared for what would be a fight.

Settling our nerves, we took to the field,

Not knowing at that point our fates were already sealed.

 

They strolled up with confidence ready to kick,

So we all took our places and got focused quick.

The ref, named Al, cleared the game to begin,

And I looked down the field and gave Shelly a slight grin.

The ball was set loose, and all was afire.

With all of a sudden, ‘TWO OUTS’ cried the umpire.

Emotions were high, but communication trembled.

Two runs were scored, and to the sidelines we reassembled.

 

Brian up first, and the ball sored through the sky.

He slides through to second all hell to defy.

Sandy took to the plate and ran to first base,

As Katy strolled up with a smile on her face.

The pitcher had trouble crossing the plate with her pitch,

So Al gave her advice as to overcome this glitch.

Eventually she sorted it out, and kick james ran across home plate.

Unfortunately discrepancy caused the other team to challenge our fate.

 

The safe on second with two outs was on trial,

And I was called to once again defend my team with style.

Rock, Paper, Scissors was the name of the game.

One, Two, Three- Win.

One, Two, Three- Lose.

I looked into my opponents eyes and the moment came…

One, Two, Three- Lose.

Back in the field Kick James went,

But in no way were we ready to relent.

Shelly on the mound, the bases covered,

The outfield was buzzing while the clouds still hovered.

 

The strikes came one after the other,

The three outs caused the team to cry, ‘oh, mother’.

To kick again Kick James’ confidence rekindled,

While the red/blue swirled shirts swindled and dwindled.

The Loughners were up, and they both rose to new heights.

Raising our hopes, with the game that excites.

All of a sudden I was on deck,

Ready as ever I kicked and I ran, only the scream, ‘oh, heck’’.

 

At this point for me the game became fuzzy for an inning or two,

So henceforth my ode may become a bit askew.

It is now, I feel I shall mention for a bit,

The other team’s demeanor that seemed so misfit.

We came out to have fun, and laugh as a team

So why, shall I ask, the other team be so mean?

They called into questions Al’s calls and made fun of our plays

So I feel it is appropriate to individually haze:

 

Holly:

Golly, miss Holly, you seem to be on Molly- because you must be seeing things.

I ask, Polly must want a cracker, with the noise coming from your mouth.

I would suggest, miss Holly you take a trolly to Bali because only there, will they deal with your folly.

Nick:

Nick, my prick, I would ask you to stick the ball where the sun don’t shine.

You are a captain of bunters: ‘Quick’, ‘Slick’, ‘Trick’ and ‘Thick’.

Although your team inevitably won, Nick- I think you are a dick.

‘Big Red’:

I didn’t catch your name, ‘Red’, but I think you may need to grow a pair,

And learn how to kick, and be nice.  The end.

 

And like that we were in the top of the fourth,

The clouds started to break and there was sun up north.

This time it was our call that a safe should have been out.

So, Tim made the challenge because of his doubt.

A shotgun it was, so they took to the stage,

The beers in two hands and the other team in a rage.

Our team on one knee, while they took the loss,

As they blamed the faulty can, but Tim drank like a boss.

 

Up by two the innings got deeper.

Other teams walked over to see who would be the weeper.

The other team now tied, seven to seven.

(Something just made me think of Evans from Heaven).

And just like that, they were up and it was over.

Not one man on the field leaf was the least bit sober.

We did not however hang our heads with shame,

Together we yelled, ‘WE ARE KICK JAMES’!

 

I know you were hoping this ode would come to an end,

But special mentions are needed, and individuals to commend:

 

Jim, I think we all would agree,

There was a certain disappointment that we couldn’t see above either knee.

You may have been wearing long shorts, which is of course fine.

Next time however I expect nothing less than your short trench hemline.

 

Ashley you get major point for keeping your fiancé in check,

I think at one point he wanted to wrap his hands around Tim’s neck.

Throughout the season your kicks have gotten much better,

As the game continued I felt you were just warming up for the next of the double header.

Katie, as always you bring style and smiles to the game,

But don’t let that fool anyone- she’s here to take f’ing names.

Your multiple outs and getting on base,

Makes it hard for anyone to keep up at your pace.

 

Dave and Brian, I mention you together, valuable to every inning

Because, you two in the line-up made up our end and our beginning.

Scoring, out, and sliding to bases

As far as kickball is concerned you are both going places!

It will be difficult  to not often think of the visual

Of Brian catching, then sliding, then tagging for an out we should make a ritual.

 

Jesse, I feel your focus could change at any moment

Out in the field ready for action at every instant.

Next time, please do not pause and consider.

Take that girl out, when she is in the base line- just hit her.

 

Hoffy and Smitty, both on the verge of MVP status

(I personally thank Hoffy for the ice bag apparatus).

Base runs, and outs, and chats on the sideline

Both of you make Kick James shine.

 

MVPs: How there was four I will never know,

But all four of these player put on quite the show:

 

Shelly with pitches straight down the line,

How is it possible she got strikes almost every time!

Kicking and making it onto base

And you have such a lovely face.

 

Tim, oh’ captain, sub-captain! Our fearful trip is done,

With your guidance and energy we should have most defiantly won.

You won the shotgun but most of all,

You reminded us what it means to have fun playing kickball.

 

PJ, above and beyond all the other players

You on the field was an answer to many of our prayers.

Advancing, scoring, getting on base-

We all agree last night you were an Ace.

 

Sandy, you were our balance, exciting us to compete

Becoming fired up to help us win this feat.

Base hits and runs, but on top of all the good,

You also beat the MVP Mike’s shotgun- way to go, dude.

 

Lastly, I will leave you with this: ‘I should have been a mutha, f’ing bunter’.

Two Sides of the Same Coin

For all intensive purposes, Monday's events were one big rollercoaster of a game.

This is what a kickball team looks like after a rollercoaster.

Yes, maybe if you're one for technicalities, "Wilmer Valderama", you would refer to Monday's I'm Kick Jamesing as a "double header" but if you're not one for technicalities, "Mr. Obama", then you would just bunch everything up together and represent it as the mess it was.

In general, I'm Kick James had a fantastic night. Quick Highlights - Coming from behind to almost win. Winning really intensely. Gender confusion. Waxing. Waning. A Fine Frenzy. Smitty. Non-Alchoballiks compared to Guy, the loose cannon of mass consumption.

By the end of the night:

I'm Kick James  (6-1-1) 21, Alchoballiks of Mass Consumption (doesn't matter) 11

Now let's share in some stories... with the help of photographic technologies.  

WARNING:  There might not be a "defined order" to these stories, but there are pictures so that makes it a lot of fun.

Paper, Laura, Scissors: Dingleberry for the win!

A slow start led to some interesting moments as we started the evening. The other team, fighting to their last breath for a spot in the playoffs (that we still don't know if they actually got, one because we're clinched in first and don't give a shit and two, because it's very confusing) came to play. They wanted the full on win, settled for a tie, but not before barely drinking anything and whining about getting hit in the head with the ball while sliding into second (one of two calls the ref gave us all night long). The very ref who had no idea what a strike was and refused to call them.

An example of the other team barely drinking anything, the picture above shows I'm Kick James taking a knee (except Shelley who apparently doesn't know what a knee is) and drinking for Laura who is rock, paper, scissoring the other team.... haha scissoring the other team.

That win kept Laura on second and most likely led to something amazing. That amazing something could have been one of the thirty times PJ was on base, Tim's 2 RKI triple that would have been a home run if one of their players hadn't been overweight and unable to control his body tripped him on purpose. Maybe that's when Smitty ran so fast he almost lapped Laura.

I don't know, I wasn't paying attention.

Things started to heat up around here. Down by a few runs we came back and tied it up. We then took the lead and made fun of the other team for being douchy a little bit. That led to another inning nobody remembers that will never be mentioned again. Remember, we only played on game and it ultimately ended in a win.

Pictured: Terror giggles

I'm Kick James had a universal tension headache. Overcome with emotion and filled with intense feelings of devotion to each other, there was a lot of yelling for a little bit.  Short fuses were lit. Forgiveness hugs were plentiful. Katie, who may or may not have been drunk, kicked the ball extremely well, but hugged herself in fear on first base because the game was so tense.

It was all very confusing for Shelley.

Things weren't as smooth for Kick James as they usually are. The ball was kicked so hard into the outfield it knocked Jesse on his ass while he was catching it.



Brian dove for a ball 42 feet away from him. Katie brought bread to soak up some of the booze. Jesse and Shelley ate it so it was not effective.



I'm Kick James and in the face of adversity I turn things around by starting over, making my opponent change their shirts and complete personalities, and starting a fielding frenzy... and hugging, there was some hugging. The other team also had shots available, which didn't hurt anyone, except PJ because Tim stole his shot just like he's stolen so many balls from ladies in the outfield.

Pictured: Pitching is hard

Things like the action pictures to the left were common. Sweeney was constantly walking away from people.

Brady, the ref who totally looked like a dude named Brady, started getting a little scared. Besides the fact that he seemed to enjoy giving pointers to the other team and yelling at our team, Brady didn't do well with "fun." Playful banter, Tim pretend fighting an old drunk guy named Guy, women's liberation, the Magna Carta, and shot guns and lady chugs put him as far on edge as he could have gone.


The second half of the game was lively to say the least. The final reports aren't in, but Tim won a shotgun challenge for one of two reasons.

1 - The other dude never opened his can and pretended to do the entire thing.

2 - The other dude actually did a really good job and would have beat Tim if he had just handed the empty beer to the ref.

The world may never care, and good, because it's over and we won.

 The next challenge pitted young Miss Piles against a female rugby player in a chug to the death. Not really, it was just a chug to the end of the cup, which Shelley did not win, but gets crazy points in my book for stepping up to the plate.


Men pitched.

Ladies peed standing up

Awesome pictures like this were taken.

In the end, five worthy, yet unlucky MVP's were Schmirnoffed
 
 
Shelley - For her chugging attempt, awesome pitching and contemplative nature.

Sandy - He did something really well at the end of both games. It might have been fielding. I'm pretty sure he had a home run too.

Laura - For everything we mentioned (mostly the rock paper scissoring) and the ability to spend numerous innings, catching, smoking a cig, drinking a beer and taking pictures all at the same time.

Smitty - For being the most consistent player of the day and for also doing something really good, that I can't remember.

Thomas - I played well.






And with that, Sandy pointed to the parking lot for Sweeney and said, "Sweeney, that's where my car is parked."


I'm Kick James and I will see you in the playoffs you beautiful sons of bitches.

This also happened at some point, which is awesome.