Four Days and 20 Hours ago...

The Proceeding quote and following stories have been fact checked and unanimously approved by the American Institute of National Facts and Made Up Quotes for the Sake of Kickball Blogs  (The AINFMUQSKB for short).

Our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Genny, and dedicated to the proposition that not all men are created to play kickball.

We were engaged in a great civil union war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure a 5-1 lead. We were met on a great battle-field of that war. We had come to dedicate a portion of that field 5, as a final resting place for those who gave their lives that this nation might remain undefeated. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

We should kick the shit out of everyone who comes near us because we are Kick James and F them in their stupid A's.

- Abraham Lincoln, 1492


We did it again! It wasn't pretty and I died a little inside (from watching from the sidelines (my old man back/old kickball injuries/vaginesque pain threshold) and from it being so close that my heart stopped working normally).

Final Score:

I'm Undefeated Kick James (5-0) - 5, Kick in a Box (1-4) 4

They were by far the toughest 1-4 team I've ever seen. We also played as sloppily as the ground was muddy and Phil's shirt was streakily, and Brian's mouth was shot gunningly.

MVPs:

Hoffy joined us once again so we had the duel MVP's and a Seagramsing that almost left each of our MVP's in the hospital...

Katie (almost hospitalized for alcohol poisoning and smiling too much).
Pearson (almost hospitalized for Seagrams induced erection poisoning. That thing was raging and glowing pink.)

Katie earned her bright pink mouth enema (gross) by getting super drunk, pitching for the first time, getting an RKI, and catching the game winning (questionable, but it's been so long, most of you won't remember what happened or weren't there at all) out.

Pearson earned his MVP Seagramsing by being necessarily violent. Particularly when it came to Sandy who ran into him at full speed and simply bounced off our violent first basemen. Pearson's belly wasn't the only inducer of hate crimes (bellies hat Sandy's... it's a fact.... just watch Grease, it's all over the bathroom walls) but his knees and elbows also hate whiney little bitches (less of a hate crime, more completely appropriate). As a particularly scrawny Kick in a Boxer sprinted toward first, Pearson leapt through the air to catch the ball tagging the oncoming runner with both the soft, bouncy rubby ball and the significantly less soft and bouncy skin and bone of his knee's and elbow.

The play resulted in a crucial out and an even more crucial black eye. Pretty sure the guy would have cried if we weren't there. He also made me waste the ice pack from the first aid kit because he was "too cool" to stop swelling. To which I replied, the ice pack is what's too cool you son of a bitch!

Honorable mentions and the crap I'm going to talk about Brian:

Phil almost pulled out the MVP by being a sliding and messy machine. Really giving it (as in the portions of the ground he humped) 110 percent.

Shelley and Ashley (1) rounded out the ladies for the day (yes, only three ladies). That means they each kicked a ton and played the field every time, rotating between the 3 positions and impressing anyone and everyone who matters (me).

Sandy tried to take over Pearson's enforcing job by blatantly tripping a guy who was running to third, but ended up hurting himself in the process. The guy went flying and was also probably injured, but he wasn't a little bitch like the first guy (the first guy probably tried to bunt too... little bunt).

Sandy also tried to harm one of their players by aiming his throw precisely under their runners feet as he ran to touch home. Despite the fact that the guy was totally out, Kick in a Box or I'm Kick James, I really don't remember, called for a shotgun challenge...

Which brings us to "Brian"

"1 - 2 - 3 - Go" The supervising ump called out like a shotgun, signifying the start to the shotgun challenge like a shotgun of a challenge and call out. (made no sense).

Brian was fast. He wanted it... he felt good... he looked okay... his mouth and throat had recently gotten a lot of exercise and were significantly stretched out. (think about it. Gross.)

Done! Boom! Zap! Bamphf! The can, as directed, enters the waiting umpiric hand. Foam. Beer. Ass if you will.Drizzles around the umpires chubby (I don't remember) fingers. 30 to 45 seconds later his competitor finishes his beer clean and Brian loses... tragically.

But everyone has a tough time every once in a while. Shotgun challenge 2! Epically called by whichever team didn't call the first challenge in an equally heroic/questionable/outrageous/close enough to call a challenge play at third base. Maybe.

"Uno. Dos. Tres. Vamanos!" The umpire called. Brian knew he had him this time. All he had to do was finish his beer instead of leaving enough ass to satisfy Kanye in the can. He had beaten his opponent by such a significant amount of time during the first challenge it wouldn't be a problem. Just finish your beer and this half assed pansy goes down.

Done! Boom! Shazaam! Leprosy! Vandalism! Lohan! Even faster than the first time and the can, as directed, enters the umpires skeletal and anemic looking fingers (like I said, I don't remember a lot that happened). Foam. Beer. Trades his ass for a white girl. Four to eight minutes later his opponent finishes, triumphantly.

Brian "Brian" Lose-ner 0, the Universe and a little bitch of a terrible shotgunner 2.

The team started feeling it and it was about then that Kick in a Box started their comeback. Hearts beat faster. Katie giggled more. PJ wore his cleats and talked about maybe playing the field sometime. Sweeney had hair. Everyone had a belly button and enough will to hold onto the victory.

Kick James remains undefeated going into week 6!

The preceding events happened like 5 days ago and the author of this blog can not be held responsible for not knowing where his kickball notebook is at the moment or remembering the details clearly. He wasn't playing last week (which he obviously should have been, it would have been like 6-3 if he had been) so he wasn't really paying attention to anything other than Jesse hanging out in the outfield watching the other team, "I'm trying to make them think I'm not paying attention so they kick it to me." (Sure Jesse), and Brian do terrible at everything. 

Please comment on this blog to clarify misguided details or add stories of your own. Feel free to enter a reminding topic and I will blabber about it for a while.

Epilogue:

Dear Brian-
Even though you almost lost the game for us last week, I hope you know we all, as an organization, value you as a member of this team and society in general. Not many of us have the gall or the bladders to step up week by week to take down 12 ounces of glory in less than five seconds. A win is a win and Kick James would rather have you happily on the team and enjoying your heart out than be offended by the ridiculously hurtful things I wrote about you this week. They might be totally true, but in your heart of hearts you know there was no malice in the empty adjectives. A little contempt, some bloating, but no malice. I, as the voice of this blog, would just like you to know that you've got a smile that is seems to me, reminds me of childhood (awkward space) memories, where everything is as fresh as a bright blue sky. Now and then when I see your face it takes me away to that special place and if I stare to long, I'll probably break down and cry.
Thank you Brian.
Thank you for all you do for Kick James, and thank you for being such a sweet man child.
Love,
Thomas

I'm Kick James and I want to go to the playoffs undefeated... how about you?